“There, you’ve done it again!” She said…

Done it again? I wondered what she was on about and was about to ask her when she explained.

“You’re a bully. You keep on bullying yourself.” 

A little shocked at this realisation and not quite liking the connotation attached to being a bully, I found myself nodding in agreement with slight frown on my face as I realised that yes, I had indeed bullied myself again.

So often we think of bullying as one person victimising the other, a rude remark, a little teasing, or even isolating someone from joining in at the water cooler simply because they seem a little different.

Yet… poor self talk, doubt or reprimanding one’s self for doing or not doing something could easily be considered bullying. 

Over the next few days I wondered whether we would speak to our spouses, a friend, colleague or a child in the same way we would speak to our-self.

Now many may not consider negative self talk, stinking thinking or self deprecation bullying – but if not bullying what else would you call it? 

The NSW Education Public Schools (https://www.schools.nsw.edu.au/studentsupport/bullying/definition/ ) defines bullying as;

“The repeated verbal, physical, social or psychological behavior that is harmful and involves the misuse of power by an individual or group towards one or more persons.”

Now I realise this may not be exactly the same as bullying but repeated negative self talk, has the same long lasting effect on social behavior, performance and confidence as bullying does.

If negative self talk has a negative affect on behavior, performance and self esteem why do we continue to put up with this

To answer this question, we need to look at;

What negative self talk is?

The side effects of negative self talk

How it shows up in our life and

Steps we can take to overcome the chatter and negative self talk in our head.

Ready? Let’s begin.

Have you ever found yourself saying things like;

• I’ll never amount to much?
• I’m just not cut out for that role?
• I’m too fat, too thin, too old?
• People like me never get chosen?
• I could never do that that?
• I don’t deserve that promotion, new client, new job.
• She’s / he’s more qualified (even though it’s not true)

The above are examples of negative self talk which are thoughts or ideas imposed on us by others or ourselves that become beliefs over time.

For years I told myself I never fit in, true to form no matter where I went this was true. The fact is these words repeated often enough become truth and sadly our reality is created from believing these thoughts.

Some time after arriving in Australia from South Africa after a near fatal incident in 2009, I found myself a little lost and lacking in confidence. The concept of “the tall poppy syndrome” playing heavily on my mind. Wanting to fit in with my new culture and country I found myself downplaying my capabilities and playing rather small. I had adopted the belief that my extroverted South African personality would not fit in and reinforced this with self talk along similar lines.

Obviously, Australia being a multicultural country; this simply was not true. My belief dictated my behavior and almost formed my reality.

The side effects of negative self talk and stinking thinking.

Consider this, imagine a beautiful golden field of wheat, now imagine walking through the field of wheat. I bet if you hovered above the field you would see a slight indentation in the wheat – the start of a path. If you repeatedly walked through the wheat field retracing your steps over and over and over you would start to see a distinct pathway formed in the wheat.

In the same way when you continue to use disempowering language, worry, criticise yourself, play small or play the victim; it becomes a habit and a permanent pathway is formed in your brain – These are called neuro pathways.

The sad part is that often negative self talk feels true and we can end up believing the things we say to our-self.

The GOOD news.

Do you recall I mentioned that my belief “almost” formed my reality?

Thankfully it didn’t. Let’s talk about a few simple steps you can apply to ensure any stinking thinking, over worrying or critical thoughts are nipped in the bud.

• Awareness

One of the first steps is to become aware of your thoughts, when you find yourself focused of something that brings you down, STOP!

• Reflect

Consider why you entertained the thought and whether it is causing you to feel bad about yourself or whether it is serving you. Of course it’s the latter we want more of.

• Shift your perspective

Mentally step back and look at your thoughts from a new perspective.

• Choice

Consciously choose a new thought. Something empowering.

• Reframe

Reframe your negative self talk in a positive way. Initially this may feel strange but done often enough, will become easier to do and eventually you will start to feel more empowered and start to believe the wonderful amazing things you say and think about your self.

It helps to write down the negative self talk and find new words to replace them.

There you go! You have just walked yourself through 5 simple steps to nip your “self bullying” in the bud.

Thanks to my coach I was made aware that occasionally I am not very nice to myself. With these simple strategies I’m able to say; 

Bye bye bully!  Hello gorgeous, intelligent, impact driven entrepreneur…

Perhaps you’ll join me… Please so let me know in the comments below what you do.