You thought you had it nailed didn’t you? That little internal voice has been quite for some time until now hasn’t it?
Allow me to let you in on a little secret…this little voice never goes away.
You know the one I am talking about. The one that reminds you that;
- You’re too big for your britches,
- That you will never amount too much.
- The one that let’s you know, loud and clear when you have messed up or that you’re a fake or not the expert you thought you were.
Yes .. that one. The one that sounds like a mean spirited spoiled brat or sometime it even sounds like some one you know.
We all have experienced this internal battle that seems to halt us in our tracks taking down even the strongest of us. I call this inner voice my inner mean girl. She means business, wielding a red stop sign right in front of your eyes forcing you to stand still. A smirk on her face she boldly reminds you of the fact that you’re going nowhere – She questions your every step causing you to fluctuate often between self doubt and mega confidence.
Call her whatever you like – she is out to create overwhelm, to induce doubt and to keep you stuck. Playing small is her modus operandi and if you allow her to she will ensure you remain comfortably stuck in your safe little bubble.
Did you notice I slipped the word “allow” in there? You still have the upper hand and the ability to choose whether you listen to the mumblings of your inner critic, who for some odd reason doesn’t want you to step into the fullness of who you truly are meant to be.
It happens to the best of us so don’t go beating your self up if you have fallen prey to these wiley tactics of your inner critic. It just so happens that I was on the receiving end of one of her little tirades not too long ago.
Want to know what happened and how you can manage your own inner critic?
Read on;
I paint.
I love it. It brings me joy and peace. I also run my own business mentoring and empowering people to realise their full potential as leaders in life, business and entrepreneurship. I love this too.
As a matter of fact painting and supporting my clients in business are my all time favorite things to do and I am passionate about the transformation that takes place while holding the paint brush or working with a client. Painting is something I have always wanted to do, so when my husband and I decided to move from South Africa to Australia in 2009 I shared my dream to paint, with him. I spoke about sitting in front of my easel under a big tree, with my wide brimmed sun hat brush in one hand and a G & T in the other over looking the ocean while painting.
Almost 8 years passed and I never picked up a paint brush or a G & T for that matter until a year or so ago (the brush sans the G & T, that is).
I enrolled my children in an art class. The art teacher at the time must’ve sensed my desire to try my hand at painting and invited me to join my children’s art class (I was the only adult in a kids only art class – quite an experience.) I eagerly said yes and started dabbling with different techniques and mediums.
I loved it.
As my confidence grew so my painting improved and I found myself carving out time during weekends to paint. My craft improved, mixing colors became easier and I found an inner peace amidst my canvases, glass jars, brushes, water and a huge tub of acrylics. Each project brought with it a sense of pride and accomplishment.
I started to share my work on social media and I would awaken with compliments about my talent, craft and abilities on the posts I shared.
One or two compliments was easy to handle, anything more and I started to feel slightly uncomfortable – anything over 15 compliments and my discomfort turned to embarrassment manifesting in feelings of being a fake.
A fake artist!
Can you believe it? Here I was sharing a passion of mine and I felt like a fake. You guessed it. Miss Mean Girl Imposter Bossy Britches decided it was time she said her piece reminding me that real “artists” don’t paint the way I do, “from a picture.” Real artists are those who can whip up a painting by tapping into their imagination.
I smile when I think of this now but at the time it almost caused me hop on to social media and delete the post which by now had 121 likes and almost the same amount of comments acknowledging my talent and creativity.
So why am I sharing this with you?
Simply because we all get tripped up sometime by the inner critic who reminds us how we are NOT what we think we are or who we hope to become.
Later on in the day I hopped into my car to attend a meeting in town, plugging in my ear phones I tuned into a podcast by Dr John Gray an incredible speaker with an equally powerful and inspiring message.
My attention was captured by the words he next spoke: “the vulnerability and the strength of a city rests in the strengths of its gates” The gates being our gifts – he goes on to say that the enemy will not attack your gates but look for the gateway (the access points) to the gates.
In layman’s terms this to me means that we have this internal enemy that will attack our confidence, our self worth, our area of vulnerability, the belief we have in our gifts and talents and we will end up talking our selves out of our destiny, purpose and dreams because we will see what WE ARE NOT as opposed to what God has established and created you to be.
Powerful, powerful words.
There is a reason you have a dream or desire in your heart. It could be to start a business, write a book, speak all over the world, create a workshop, do a retreat, run a marathon, help the needy. What ever it is, this desire feels like a burning flame within you and even though you douse it with rationalisation it remains lit until the inner critic pops up to remind you over and over again that; you’re not in your right mind, a little crazy, not good enough, a fake and no one will want what you have.
So let’s just get this straight.
The inner critic presents itself in different ways. As the “imposter” causing you to question the validity of your expert status or experience. The Negative Nelly who no matter what you do or say she counters it with negativity.
Then there is ‘ole Debbie Downer and her forte is to put you down. Cassy Comparitinitis is always warning you that you’re not like .. you know, your glamorous sister, your successful skinny and fun friend, the badass entrepreneur who has just launched her latest course and is making millions.
She is quick to remind you; you’re just not shaping up.
Of course there are a few more but for today we’ll focus on Felicity the Fraud. Isn’t she a character constantly whispering sweet nothings in your ear? If you have a Felicity the Fraud aka Imposter Syndrome you can be sure that she will ensure you remain hidden, play small and feel insecure and unsure because heaven forbid ; “what if .. someone finds out that you really don’t know as much as the world thinks you do.”
Felicity is my worst nightmare and as her name suggests she made sure when I opened my Facebook to see all the amazing comments on my artwork that she went to work on me like a mallet tenderising a piece of meat ( sorry vegetarians )
Thankfully I am quite aware of her tactics and can identify when she is up to her tricks. I have a few tactics up my own sleeve to manage this little imposter before she manages me.
Of course I’m going to share a few simple strategies here with you because I know she gets around and I’ve got first hand experience on how to handle her.
Managing your Felicity (or Freddy)
- The 1st is to be aware of what Felicity The Fraud sounds like. Many years ago when I worked as a bank teller one of quickest ways to identify fake bank notes was to count packs of the real thing. This way when a fake popped up in the piles of notes I would immediately recognise this note as a fake. In the same way, you know your own voice, capabilities, strengths and experience and will be able to identify the NOT SO REAL voice when it pops up.
- The second is to acknowledge the emotions that may crop up with the voice. There is a reason you feel this way. We tend to want to suppress these emotions but can I share a little secret? The more you try and suppress them the more they tend to want to make them selves known, sometimes at the most in opportune moments. As you acknowledge these emotions you may find that these emotions lose a little of their charge. A great question to ask is; what is the underlying trigger that caused this emotion? Could it be some thing that happened years ago and when something similar occurs in your here and now you react with the same emotion? You see if we can get to the root cause of what triggers us we can rip it out by the throat and deal with it appropriately.
- Thirdly, What meaning are you attaching to the event? For me having so many people acknowledge my creativity and gifts so openly on social media took me back to a time when I was told to put a sock in it, to a time where I told that I would never amount to much, to stop showing off and get back in my box. Can you see how toxic these thoughts are? I know that I am not alone in this and for long enough people have been keeping quite about these things. I want to tell you right now that you are not alone. The more we speak about these things, the more we can encourage others, support them and discover new ways to manage our inner mind chatter.
Now, this list of strategies is not exhaustive – there may be many other ways in which you may have learned to deal with Felicity The Fraud – I’d love you to share your thoughts and tips below in the comments. You just never know who may need to hear what you have to share.
In addition; I shared a few extra and different tips on a past blog post written in 2013. Pop on over to “I FEEL LIKE A FAKE! WELCOME TO IMPOSTOR SYNDROME” during your break. I think you might find it useful.
Much love
I grew up with a mother who was anxious. She sabotaged all of us by questioning our abilities and being fearful for us. My youngest brother told me he read a book describing management types…one of those was ” the wet blanket”…that was our mother. Despite her influence all three of us went onto successful careers. For me, I held myself back,I I even married a man who although like my mother, he admired my achiements, he also engaged in subtle put downs and criticism. So the inner critic can have”friends”. My inner critic means that I avoid being “exposed”and minimise my exposure. My advice is watch out for the ” friends” that collude and reinforce those insecurities. Otherwise its hard work all the way. Give yourself permission to step up. Feel the joy of choosing what you want.